When my Dad was in surgery, I remember sitting in the hospital waiting room coding a work project. I didn’t have to – my boss made it clear that I should take as much time off as I needed and not worry about work. I knew my co-workers had my back. And I wasn’t trying to score points on the job.
But I needed something to take my mind off my father in the operating room. Tapping away on my laptop helped pass some time. As stressful as my job could feel at times, that stress was tiny compared to a loved one’s health emergency.
Dad pulled through that incident, and I mostly put work aside once he was in recovery. But even then sometimes I’d check into work. It was a way to feel tethered to “normal life” when real life felt especially scary and unpredictable.
In other words, somewhat counterintuitively, a stressful job can occasionally be useful when navigating hard times. But is that a good reason to keep working? Or does it make sense to try to craft a life where you find other ways of coping? In my case, I want a new path – although I’m not passing judgment on people who find their work helpful in difficult moments. It can be a constructive coping mechanism.
Current events
Without getting into politics here, I’ll just say that I found the last few weeks to be pretty stressful. And now that I no longer have work distractions in my bag of coping tricks, I need to figure out what to start doing - or doing more of - in exchange.
I see a few categories of options:
- Keep busy and distract myself with other things
- Commiserate with and/or help others
- Engage in physical activity to “work off” some anxiety
- Nutritionally self-medicate with things like chocolate & other carbs, or a glass of wine
- Learn to come to terms with difficult feelings causing the stress, either alone or with professional support
Distractions. Of course there are other ways to keep myself busy and distracted without work e-mail! There’s stress cleaning (productive!) – getting rid of junk is especially satisfying. There’s writing (like this retirement blog), taking and editing landscape & travel photos, and coding hobby projects. In general, I think any activity that keeps me “in the zone” – something I focus on so intently that I get lost in it and don’t notice the passing of time – is a great candidate. Most people have a passion or two like this.
Not all of my hobbies do this, though, even ones I still like. I’ve tried playing the piano, but that only works for a short time for me before my mind starts wandering. I’m sure playing music is great for others, though, as are painting, sculpting, or creating other art. Enjoying others’ creativity can do that, too: reading a good book, watching TV or a movie, listening to music.
Commiserating with and/or helping others. Talking with family and friends is another excellent outlet. Being of service to others is also a great choice, as it not only lessens feelings of helplessness but can also boost one’s own life satisfaction, and I’m considering where my interests and skills intersect for more of that. However, those still tend to leave massive swaths of the week open.
Physical activity. For me, there’s nothing like going for a run to stop thinking and start being. Walks and bike rides are also nice. So are strolls in nature. But, once again, it’s hard to keep that up for most of your waking hours unless you’re a college or professional athlete.
Poor nutrition. I’ll admit to a good deal of Election Week ice cream. But beyond those, except for a couple of glasses of wine and more-than-usual carbs, I’ve learned from experience that bingeing on unhealthy food & drink won’t solve much for me. I still remember overeating for awhile after my Mom died. Several weeks later I came to the obvious conclusion that 1) she was still gone, 2) food hadn’t made me miss her any less, and 3) I’d ended up just as bereft but also several pounds heavier. The absurdity of that as a coping strategy was hard to miss. At least after I went for a run while grieving, I felt physically better.
Lately I’ve also starting drinking a fair amount of chamomile and mint teas, which seems like a better consumption strategy. They may or may not be calming, but I like them and they can’t hurt.
Facing unpleasant feelings. One of the most important coping methods – which, by the way, doesn’t preclude any of these others – is coming to terms with feelings that trigger the stress. Grief? Fear? Anger? A combination? Something else?
I’m not the touchy-feely type, but I have started meditating for just 5 or 10 minutes a day with the “Happier” app. Developed by a classic “Type A” personality, former ABC news anchor Dan Harris, I like that many of their meditations understand that I’ll get fidgety, my mind will wander, and I’ll become impatient. (The trick is just to notice and re-focus.) And, the app has plenty of meditations with options for just a few minutes. Five minutes is better than nothing!
I’d been doing this even before I retired, but now I have the flexibility to do it much more often. At this moment, I particularly like the idea that it’s OK to experience difficult emotions, and meditation isn’t supposed to “calm them away.” Instead, the goal is to explore them with curiosity and self-kindness. Easier said then done, and it depends on the underlying cause of stress. For something potentially overwhelming like a medical crisis or losing a loved one, the best strategy to work through fear and despair might be with professional counseling if you can’t go it alone.
However we do it, though, figuring out coping strategies is one of the most important things we can do in life. And not just at age 60+. Young people can and sadly do suffer terrible trauma, too.
But it’s a fact that as we move beyond midlife, even if we live in a world of peace and prosperity and our loved ones are healthy and safe, let’s face it: Some bad things are probably down the road. You or a loved one will get upsetting medical news. People you love will fall ill, and pass away. I had a 15-month stretch where I lost my mother, my father, and one of my best friends. I was in my 50s. I wasn’t prepared. I don’t think we ever are. But maybe developing a set of tools to navigate some of life’s moderate curves and bumps could also help with the bigger ones? Or at least give us a better idea when we could use outside help.
Bottom line: Be kind to yourself and tend to your coping tools. Wherever you are in life, I wish you equanimity and resilience in facing challenges ahead.
You can follow My Next Chapter by email newsletter or RSS feed. Blog content © Sharon Machlis.